The wound is the place where the Light enters you.

Becoming a mother was my calling. I was put on this earth to be a mama, and there is no question about that. I honestly don’t know what I was doing in life before I had my babies and I could never imagine my life without my girls or my fantastic husband. My family is my entire world!

 I'm down to the single digits in this pregnancy, and  I am emotionally having a hard time. On top of my hormones being out of control, my husband and I received some news a few weeks ago which I took particularly hard, and I am having a hard time moving past it. Before I go on let me explain I am incredibly grateful and blessed to have carried both my girls and have had no major issues, at least none that have affected our babies. I am by no means complaining, but it is has broken my heart to find out that I will not be able to deliver naturally for the second time.  The risks are too high for baby and me with there barely being 18months between this delivery and my previous. I am devasted! Like many others, I am my own worst critic. For me, I feel like somehow I have failed as a woman or am less of a woman (it may seem or sound ridiculous, but I can't explain it). The fact I will never get to experience birthing my babies naturally is a significant loss for me as a woman. My heart and brain can't seem to accept it. I continue to mourn the loss of a chance to experience a natural birth after weeks of trying to talk myself out of it, no matter how many times my husband and doctors tell me things like, “A natural birth or a c-section doesn’t mean you're any less of a woman. The fact that you can make a selfless decision in a split second against what you truly want  for the safety of the baby is what makes you an amazing mother!”  Above all, feelings aside, a safe delivery, and a healthy baby is all I wish for. 

I did NOT want to talk about this- AT ALL, but I'm sure other women have felt this way. It's important to remember we are not ALONE, we do not always have to be STRONG, and it is okay to feel SAD. There will always be someone who has it worse, but that does not mean your emotions and feelings are irrelevant. My hands and heart are about to become extremely full, but this is something  I will have the sense of loss over for a very long time if not forever. xoxo



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